Vampire Awareness Commentary 3: Halfway There

26 Jul

I broke the cycle of pain yesterday by vomiting a 5k hideously malformed story onto the page. Yay! The only problem is that it was set in 1925, so now there’s an endless loop of 20s pop-jazz standards in my brain. It’s like an episode of Jeeves and Wooster gone horribly wrong.

Gianni the vampire likes this state of affairs, as it reminds him of being an adolescent human. Not that he has a problem with his current situation, just that it’s cute to think he used to be so absurd. So here he is with his little prodigy (and progeny, I guess– oooh that was bad, sorry) Liam for another crop of fine Vampire Awareness Month movies.

[Note: Near Dark is tomorrow’s movie, but there aren’t any spoilers for it. Minor ones for the first two, though. And please bear in mind, these views do not necessarily reflect my own. Yes, I might be crazy, but I prefer that to boredom.]

THE NIGHT STALKER – John Llewellyn Moxey – 1972 (Darren McGavin, Carol Lynley, Barry Atwater)

Um, is this thing on?

Um, is this thing on?

Gianni: Any vampire who behaves in that reckless fashion is trying to die. And even if he wasn’t, he deserves it for having red satin lining in his jacket. I don’t care if it’s Las Vegas, some sins cannot and should not be forgiven.
Liam: I love this movie– TV must’ve been so much cooler in the 70s.
Gianni: You know I hate to disappoint you, but not really, no.
Liam: Bah. Of all the good lines, my favorite was: “We don’t want undesirable elements in Las Vegas…”
Gianni: Ha!
Liam: It’s like No Country For Old Vampires. It’s Tommy Lee Jones as Kolchak vs. Javier Bardem as the vampire. Sneaky fucking Coen Brothers!

VAMPIRE HUNTER D – Toyoo Ashida – 1985

Animated Vampire Hopeful Bowie: *sweatdrop*

Animated Vampire Hopeful Bowie: *sweatdrop*

Gianni: I’m going to start offering sex as payment for services rendered.
Liam: That’s legal in Future Japan. But only if you’re a little girl who constantly flashes her underwear and has a tear-away bra.
Gianni: No, no, I’m sure I could work the angle. You’d fall for it.
Liam: Only if I could heroically refuse the sex, and then get it anyhow.
Gianni: Ugh. At least we didn’t have to endure actual cartoon sex. Just unappealing nudity and the promise that he’d be back for it later– perhaps when she grows out of that awkward teenage phase.
Liam: Haven’t watched much anime, have you?

THE LOST BOYS – Joel Schumacher – 1987 (Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Kiefer Sutherland)

Vampires everywhere trembled at the sight of The Coreys. And-- that kid.

Vampires everywhere trembled at the sight of The Coreys. And-- that kid.

Liam: Did you dress like that in the 80s?
Gianni: More Gordon Gekko, less Axl Rose, thank you very much.
Liam: Two pop culture references in one sentence. Wow, Gianni.
Gianni: The movie, brat.
Liam: Right, the movie. When I was a kid I thought the part with the maggots was awesome. Now I’m grown up and immortal and I still think it’s awesome. This movie is awesome in general, in fact.
Gianni: I like their hotel-cave. I’m not much for caves myself, but I think my uncle’s mad scientist laboratory would look rather good in one.
Liam: Let’s get him one for Christmas. It’s what the baby Jesus would want.

NEAR DARK – Kathryn Bigelow – 1987 (Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Bill Paxton)

How to turn on a vampire: drink blood, make a mess, kiss vampire with mess still in tact. Fact.

How to turn on a vampire: drink blood, make a mess, kiss vampire with mess still in tact. Fact.

Gianni: I can’t fault her; you’ve given me a taste for sweet little farm boys, I’m afraid.
Liam: Sweet? That guy is a douchebag. She says, “Take me home.” He says, “Not unless you kiss me.” Right there, I’d have torn his fucking throat out.
Gianni: Yet the most offensive thing about that scene was the acting. At the very least, this movie contained the single hottest moment thus far: that long bloody kiss of theirs beats Dracula‘s 70s sex scene– even The Hunger, really.
Liam: It was pretty fun, but the ending sucked. Gimme the next one.
Gianni: Not unless you kiss me.
Liam: I’d tear your throat out, but you’d like it too much.
Gianni: … [Ed: If you’ve never seen a vampire pretend to pout– well, here it is.]

Now playing: Frank Crumit – Oh, By Jingo! Oh, By Gee! You’re the Only Girl for Me
via FoxyTunes

16 Responses to “Vampire Awareness Commentary 3: Halfway There”

  1. Corinne Duyvis July 26, 2010 at 4:21 pm #

    The only problem is that it was set in 1925, so now there’s an endless loop of 20s pop-jazz standards in my brain.

    Wait wait wait. Why is this a problem, again?

    These posts have been amusing me terribly. Even if I haven’t seen the vast majority of these movies. /hangs head in shame

  2. Mary July 26, 2010 at 5:47 pm #

    Loving these posts too. Keep ‘em up!

  3. KVTaylor July 26, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

    Cory, it would be LESS of a problem if I had more variety. It’s mostly just a guy in my head going, “Oh by gee by gosh by gum by jove… oh by jingo won’t you hear our love…” over and over again.

    Other than that, it is pretty awesome, you’re so right. I think I’d only seen about half of them– maybe slightly less. It’s been fun so far, and only six left!

    Mary, thanks. Now that I’ve let them out, I don’t think they’ll go back into their cage without a fight. And I hate fighting vampires :/

  4. Aaron Polson July 26, 2010 at 10:18 pm #

    Oh Kolchak, what did they do to you with that terrible, updated series? The music from the original TV show could be soooooo chilling at times. (Try the scene inside a sports arean while Ponch is waiting to become a Mayan sacrifice…hell yeah). Sorry. That wasn’t about vampires.

  5. Natalie L. Sin July 26, 2010 at 11:35 pm #

    Mmm…anime sex.

  6. John Cash July 27, 2010 at 12:16 am #

    Much as I enjoyed Vampire Hunter D, I think I might have enjoyed Liam and Gianni’s snarky commentary even more. And that mutant guy really did bear a rather uncanny resemblance to an animated Bowie, didn’t he? Now I’m kind of sad about his gorey end.

  7. KVTaylor July 27, 2010 at 12:42 am #

    Aaron, if all the comments were solely about vampires, even I might get bored. And that’s saying a great deal. I thought Kolchak was awesome, but then, this is my only exposure. And I admit that he’ll always be the dad from “A Christmas Story” to me, anyhow.

    Nat, I know, right? I can’t believe they didn’t want it! (Well, I can. But– yeah.)

    John, I couldn’t stop thinking that guy reminded me of Bowie… that or Sting as Feyd in “Dune”– I watched it too close to “The Hunger”, I think. What I needed for that movie was some James up in here. HE would’ve appreciated the awesome of “Vampire Hunter D”! (Which, for the record, I enjoyed very much. But I would.)

  8. Cate Gardner July 27, 2010 at 4:48 am #

    Yay, some vampire movies I’ve watched.

    I have do disagree with Liam, the ending to Near Dark so did not suck. In fact, I don’t believe there was any sucking at all. :D

    Oh, and everyone was so pretty in the 1920s. I could spend some time there.

  9. KVTaylor July 27, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Cate, I agree with you wholeheartedly– I really liked the ending. But I suppose we can’t expect vampires who like being vampires to approve of such a thing. Jerks.

    Yeah, the 20s must’ve been delicious. And then the 30s happened… ouch.

  10. Mercedes July 27, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    I died a little while reading these. I’m such a freak that I even read the Vampire Hunter D series. Ah, vermilion!

  11. Danielle Ferries July 27, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

    I still regularly watch The Lost Boys. I love that movie.

  12. KVTaylor July 27, 2010 at 10:48 pm #

    I am sorry if you died a little, Mercedes. I didn’t mean to be painful. They’re awful little brats though, these guys :/

    I would so read that, though.

    Danielle, totally. It’s one of those that I already owned, and for that very reason!

  13. Mercedes July 28, 2010 at 10:45 pm #

    I died a little in a very pleasant IMMORTAL way. And you’d love the series, I’m sure. Very, very awesome!

  14. KVTaylor July 29, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

    Haha! Well in that case I’m glad it was a pleasant little death– that’s what we aim for with their kind, I suppose. (Well G does. Liam’s more into the violent ones, but anyhow–)

    I have to look for it now. Mmmm manga vamps!

  15. Mark Deniz August 2, 2010 at 8:15 am #

    Again I agree with you on ‘Near Dark’. I actually hadn’t seen it before and wonder what all the fuss was about.

    I don’t like ‘The Lost Boys’ much either though so this section of the schedule was a tough one for me – especially with Interview with the tedious Vampire after them.

    I’m hoping for a strong finale – well not Twilight of course but those before it…

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

  1. Vampire Awareness Commentary 5: The End - KV Taylor – SpecFic and Nonsense - August 7, 2010

    […] Part 3: The Night Stalker, Vampire Hunter D, The Lost Boys, Near Dark […]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: