I broke the cycle of pain yesterday by vomiting a 5k hideously malformed story onto the page. Yay! The only problem is that it was set in 1925, so now there’s an endless loop of 20s pop-jazz standards in my brain. It’s like an episode of Jeeves and Wooster gone horribly wrong.
Gianni the vampire likes this state of affairs, as it reminds him of being an adolescent human. Not that he has a problem with his current situation, just that it’s cute to think he used to be so absurd. So here he is with his little prodigy (and progeny, I guess– oooh that was bad, sorry) Liam for another crop of fine Vampire Awareness Month movies.
[Note: Near Dark is tomorrow's movie, but there aren't any spoilers for it. Minor ones for the first two, though. And please bear in mind, these views do not necessarily reflect my own. Yes, I might be crazy, but I prefer that to boredom.]
THE NIGHT STALKER – John Llewellyn Moxey – 1972 (Darren McGavin, Carol Lynley, Barry Atwater)
Gianni: Any vampire who behaves in that reckless fashion is trying to die. And even if he wasn’t, he deserves it for having red satin lining in his jacket. I don’t care if it’s Las Vegas, some sins cannot and should not be forgiven.
Liam: I love this movie– TV must’ve been so much cooler in the 70s.
Gianni: You know I hate to disappoint you, but not really, no.
Liam: Bah. Of all the good lines, my favorite was: “We don’t want undesirable elements in Las Vegas…”
Liam: It’s like No Country For Old Vampires. It’s Tommy Lee Jones as Kolchak vs. Javier Bardem as the vampire. Sneaky fucking Coen Brothers!
Gianni: I’m going to start offering sex as payment for services rendered.
Liam: That’s legal in Future Japan. But only if you’re a little girl who constantly flashes her underwear and has a tear-away bra.
Gianni: No, no, I’m sure I could work the angle. You’d fall for it.
Liam: Only if I could heroically refuse the sex, and then get it anyhow.
Gianni: Ugh. At least we didn’t have to endure actual cartoon sex. Just unappealing nudity and the promise that he’d be back for it later– perhaps when she grows out of that awkward teenage phase.
Liam: Haven’t watched much anime, have you?
THE LOST BOYS – Joel Schumacher – 1987 (Jason Patric, Jami Gertz, Kiefer Sutherland)
Liam: Did you dress like that in the 80s?
Gianni: More Gordon Gekko, less Axl Rose, thank you very much.
Liam: Two pop culture references in one sentence. Wow, Gianni.
Gianni: The movie, brat.
Liam: Right, the movie. When I was a kid I thought the part with the maggots was awesome. Now I’m grown up and immortal and I still think it’s awesome. This movie is awesome in general, in fact.
Gianni: I like their hotel-cave. I’m not much for caves myself, but I think my uncle’s mad scientist laboratory would look rather good in one.
Liam: Let’s get him one for Christmas. It’s what the baby Jesus would want.
NEAR DARK – Kathryn Bigelow – 1987 (Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Bill Paxton)
Gianni: I can’t fault her; you’ve given me a taste for sweet little farm boys, I’m afraid.
Liam: Sweet? That guy is a douchebag. She says, “Take me home.” He says, “Not unless you kiss me.” Right there, I’d have torn his fucking throat out.
Gianni: Yet the most offensive thing about that scene was the acting. At the very least, this movie contained the single hottest moment thus far: that long bloody kiss of theirs beats Dracula‘s 70s sex scene– even The Hunger, really.
Liam: It was pretty fun, but the ending sucked. Gimme the next one.
Gianni: Not unless you kiss me.
Liam: I’d tear your throat out, but you’d like it too much.
Gianni: … [Ed: If you've never seen a vampire pretend to pout-- well, here it is.]
Now playing: Frank Crumit – Oh, By Jingo! Oh, By Gee! You’re the Only Girl for Me