Vampire Awareness Commentary 5: The End

7 Aug

Well here’s the last from our friendly neighborhood murderers, Gianni Fiorenza and Liam Corchoran. I can only hope their perspective has brought something– er, well, something to the table. G is convinced it has, and that it was priceless, but he would be. Punk.

As to what came before:

  • Part 4: Cronos, Interview with the Vampire, Shadow of the Vampire
  • Part 3: The Night Stalker, Vampire Hunter D, The Lost Boys, Near Dark
  • Part 2: Martin, Dracula (1979), The Hunger
  • Part 1: Nosferatu, Dracula (1931), Brides of Dracula

And now, the end! Spoilers for 30 Days of Night and Let the Right One In. Both of which I truly recommend, by the way, whether the peanut gallery here does or not.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT – David Slade – 2007 (Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston)

Humans: 1, Vampires: 192 (We're still winning.)

Humans: 1, Vampires: 192 (We're still winning.)

Gianni: What a shame about the ending– he would’ve been a brilliant vampire. But really, that’s what the emo sort ought to do. Save us all the pain of their immortal whining.
Liam: Even the humans were bad ass. I mean, the vampires were pretty stupid to do something so risky, but how could they resist? Just– rad.
Gianni: You only think that because it’s like watching a whole pack of Liams. In the snow.
Liam: It is not. These guys are tearing off heads and leaving snow drifts covered in blood; I just fuck up the occasional alley–
Gianni: You had it in your hair last night. Your hair. If it weren’t so charming, the waste of it would break my heart.
Liam: Let’s move to Alaska.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN – Tomas Alfredson – 2008 (Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar)

Creepy little girl temper tantrum: hold your breath until blood leaks from every follicle and orifice.

Creepy little girl temper tantrum: hold your breath until blood leaks from every follicle and orifice.

Gianni: Gorgeous. Children do tug at the mortal heartstrings, no matter if they’re monsters. Too little blood in them for us to care much, though.
Liam: I felt bad for the vampire. Takes a real fucker to change someone so small and incapable.
Gianni: And I liked the ending, for once. The sweet innocence of their relationship in the service of bloodlust. Delicious.
Liam: Mostly it’s just nice to be reminded that Scandinavia produces something other than boring torture porn.
Gianni: Blaming all of those lovely countries for Lars von Trier is like blaming all Irish-Americans for the Dropkick Murphys.
Liam: … I like the Dropkick Murphys.
Gianni: I don’t know why I bother, sometimes.

TWILIGHT – Catherine Hardwicke – 2008 (Robert Pattinson, Kristin Stewart, Billy Burke)

 "This is the skin of a killer, Bella." Yes, Edward Cullen just said that. I don't even have to make lame jokes-- the script provides them <i>gratis</i>.

"This is the skin of a killer, Bella." Yes, Edward Cullen just said that. I don't even have to make lame jokes-- the script provides them gratis.

Gianni: I owe an apology to Interview with the Vampire. I did not know tedious until just now.
Liam: Come on, it’s a cool concept. The Cullens are interesting characters, trying to be human like that, and I’d definitely sink my teeth into Bella.
Gianni: Are you seriously defending this film’s ethos of self-denial? It’s completely anti-vampire.
Liam: You’re the one who likes it easy: this movie’s lining up a whole new generation of willing victims. “Girls, see that creepy guy staring at you like he wants to eat your face off? Yeah, trust him unquestioningly and try to make out with him constantly. Because he clearly loves you, and unless you get a man to love you, you fail at life.”
Gianni: I approve of them watching it, but why should I be bored to tears? Do you have any idea the things I’m going to have to do tonight to feel alive again?
Liam: Can I get in on that action?
Gianni: Funny you should put it that way.

And I reckon we should leave them there, for everyone’s sake. They’ll retreat back to the dark corners of my mind… well, as much as they ever do.

As for me, it’s time for full disclosure: I watched Twilight last year when my friend Jen brought it for a visit. While we had good fun with it, I wasn’t totally convinced I could make it through again– not even hopelessly drunk. So this time I downloaded the RiffTrax, and it was truly brilliant. I will even watch it again, with Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbet involved.

RiffTrax crowning moment: when Edward is carting Bella through the woods on his back in fast forward (yes, that actually happens), Kevin Murphy starts singing the “Benny Hill” music.

Now playing: The Kinks – Lola
via FoxyTunes

11 Responses to “Vampire Awareness Commentary 5: The End”

  1. Natalie L. Sin August 8, 2010 at 12:52 am #

    I don’t think I could make myself watch Twilight. There isn’t even any eye candy for me : P

  2. Corinne August 8, 2010 at 7:18 am #

    Aw, they liked Let The Right One In! And they disliked Twilight! <3 My kind of vampires, I tell you.

  3. KVTaylor August 8, 2010 at 11:41 am #

    Nat, that was disappointing for me, too. Guess we’re just a little over the necessary age limit :/

    Cory, yeah, Liam tried to like “Twilight”, but G just wasn’t having it. Let the Right One In was awesome though– and I thought of your icons!

  4. Cate Gardner August 8, 2010 at 12:55 pm #

    “I just fuck up the occasional alley–”


  5. Aaron Polson August 8, 2010 at 7:58 pm #

    Now I might be able to watch Twilight…heh.

    Blood on the snow: perfect.

  6. KVTaylor August 9, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    Cate, I can’t take him anywhere.

    Aaron, yeah, just when I thought nothing could save it, along comes Mike Nelson. <3 blood on the snow.

  7. Michael Stone August 9, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

    Strange person! You’ve been nominated!

    Check my LJ post August 9 for details. :)

  8. Danielle Ferries August 10, 2010 at 2:58 am #

    I have an image of them suffering through Twilight, and then the threat of torturing them with the sequels.

  9. KVTaylor August 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm #

    Mike, HAHA! Nice!

    Danielle, Liam would totally watch the sequels, but I’m afraid G would throw a temper tantrum. He tantrums beautifully, for being a century old. :D

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