Hiding Out

17 Oct

Okay, I’ve been hiding out. You caught me.

See, there’s this thing we all do. Some people talk about it to get it out. Me, I usually whine to my friends — I have a personal journal just to whine, make scene lists, ramble about characters, and otherwise drive my darlings mad with my head issues and voices. A lot. The truth is I had a bit of a rough week last week, personally speaking, and though things are going rather well now, I’m officially in my yearly funk. This generally lasts a week to a week-and-a-half, and consists of me hating everything I’ve ever written.

I know you all do this. That is some comfort. But mostly, all I can do is keep working and wait for it to go away.

Pathetic story: I need to make a scene list. If I’m going to write JAMES (sequel to LIAM) for Nano — my first Nano! — a scene list would be good. I know the plot backwards and forwards, inside and out. I’ve had it in my head for ten years, just like the other three that come after JAMES. I wanted to learn how to write to tell this story. But since I already wrote this one once in ’06-07, I’m sure I can use a lot of the scenes, as in rewrite them, in this brand new version.

Except I can’t make myself open it. If I hate everything I write now, oh god, can you imagine the potential trauma of opening up something that old? Unthinkable! So instead I’m sitting here, avoiding my own writing, avoiding as much of the world as I possibly can until this crippling fear passes.

Because it will. I will totally go back to being thoughtless and stubborn and coughing up half-formed novels like it’s my job (oh wait, it totally is, now! See, why am I even complaining?) very soon. I always do, because frankly I am not deep enough to stay depressed for long. Being as shallow as a mud puddle on a hot day comes in very handy at times like these.

Lucky thing, too, since now is kind of a bad time. I had the RIOT BOY proof over the weekend, and I gave it a nice, hard, final read before sending it off to my incredible editrix, Raven McKnight. And I even liked it. I sat there going, “Hey, this is kinda cool. These characters are all right. The voice is pretty solid. You’re getting there with the first person thing. Hm, that was hot. Man, Raven really saved this thing.” And then I put it down and went back to EVERYTHING SUCKS OMG.

But you know something? That book is coming out in like three weeks. So I don’t have time to be a fucking punk ass emo kid, and I don’t get to hide. I have to get on with the business of preparing for a release: setting up a release party, getting advertising sorted, planning contests, talking to people, choosing and adding excerpts, and otherwise putting myself out there.

Because I love this shit, man. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t based on something as horrifically fragile as an ego, but if that’s my biggest problem, I am winning this game. So I’m posting this not to complain, but just to admit that even though I turn up with these long lists of projects and balls in the air and things that apparently make it sound like this is all very easy for me, I am in fact a complete and utter punk sometimes. And I know you guys understand.

I swear to god, without the blogosphere, I would be way drunker. (I’m not drunk at all right now, I just mean in general, I’d need a lot more self-medicating.)

15 Responses to “Hiding Out”

  1. Carrie Cuinn October 17, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    “I’m not drunk at all right now, I just mean in general” is my favorite thing I’ve read so far today. Go hate everything for a week if that’s what you need. We all know you don’t suck and in a couple more days you’ll remember that too.

    • Katey October 17, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

      I love you. You know that, but it needs said. :D

  2. MG Ellington October 17, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    You are so awesome.

    • Katey October 17, 2011 at 7:39 pm #

      <3. And I’d like to continue the hugging I began at your LJ right over here, too. ALL the hugs.

  3. Tricialew October 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

    I know how you are and psychically I think we hit that funk at about the same time of year. I’m glad you spew it all out there because I really think that other people don’t know it’s a normal thing for creative types and they become discouraged by it all. So, for now avoid what you need to and drown yourself and in whatever you need to because you always come back up for air better, stronger, faster…wait…that’s the six million dollar man…
    Anyway, you are the best!!!

    • Katey October 17, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      I am somehow not surprised that we do this at the same time. At all. In fact, I might even have predicted it. I probably did, and then just forgot.

      Six million dollar… storyteller!

      Ha! Betcha I’d still get in a funk even if I was :D


  4. Cate Gardner October 18, 2011 at 3:06 am #

    As Carrie said… We all know you don’t suck (though I’m sure we’ll not convince you of that until the funk ends).

    I definitely go through the funk… In fact sometimes I think it’s a permananet funk, but we battle on.

    • Katey October 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

      Yeah I get little snatches of it every day, honestly. But like I say, there’s a benefit to being shallow, in that everything (good and bad) kind of rolls off me.

      Or I just save it all up for one good week of PAIN.

      Your commiseration is greatly appreciated.

  5. Anthony J. Rapino October 18, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    Oh yes, I know it well, only I feel that way much more than a week out of every year. :-p But yeah, we all dig ourselves out because like you say, we love this shit.

    • Katey October 18, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

      We do. And I know this. I keep saying it, and I know I mean it. (I’m a terrible liar, for someone who sells lies.) Thank you for coming to my pity party. <3

  6. Meghan October 19, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    the potential trauma of opening up something that old?
    Oh god. You do not need that. No one needs that, really (well, maybe a few people do, but they wouldn’t have trauma even though they need to) but especially not you. Because you’re my writing buddy and I hate to see you in pain.

    I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. But still, you know how vividly I understand opening up that pet project that you haven’t touched in…. um… *blush*

    I hope your week of hating everything passes quickly, and with much good booze.

    • Katey October 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

      The booze is DEFINITELY helping.

      And yeah, I know you understand. I mean, you understand EVERYTHING, but this thing especially. Because maaaaaan. The pain is so absolute.

      I still haven’t worked myself up to opening it, yet. I figure I’ll be better in a week, and I can take the trauma with a laugh, then :D

  7. Milo James Fowler October 19, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    Hey, I was there last week! You’ll make it through. You rock, remember?

    I’ve found that one way to climb out of the Depths of Despair is to focus on something I’m thankful for. Yeah, it’s cheezy, but works. Trust me.

    • Katey October 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

      You’re absolutely right Milo — that IS the best way. I’ve been clinging to it pretty hard all week, I just never thought of it in those words. It’s the best.

      Thank you!

  8. Me October 24, 2011 at 2:04 am #

    I’ve read enough of your poignant and edgy prose to know you SO do not suck. But yeah, it’s a common malady among writers. We’re neurotic … period. Personally, I don’t know how you keep all those balls in the air. But from where I’m sitting, your a darn good juggler. So glad you caught your second wind!

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