Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
Vampire Film Night #1:
Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Writers: Cory Goodman, Min-Woo Hyung (graphic novel series “Priest”)
Stars: Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet and Maggie Q
Thanks to Brian Fatah Steele for the rec! The following review contains spoilers.
Liam: I would have sex with this movie. And I have no biological sex drive, so that’s saying something. I might feel different if I’d read the graphic novels–which I will now. But seriously, it’s fucking perfect.
Gianni: I think we’re working with different definitions of the word “perfect”.
Liam: Here, let me read you mine. Perfect: A movie set in a futuristic-steampunky dystopia with wild west trains, a neon Catholic church, and mean-ass vampires. Fucking perfect.
Gianni: Hmm, no, we’re not using the same dictionary. I would eat the hell out of Paul Bettany, though. There’s something about him with the cross on his forehead that’s even more blasphemously hot…
Liam: Okay, so let’s start with him. Nameless priest hero gets the thumbs up. Definitely a great hunter-character, right?
Gianni: You do realize you’re a vampire?
Liam: Yes, asshole, just go with me.
Gianni: Then yes, certainly. And they did a good job with what should’ve been an absurd and obvious plot twist with his back story. Or maybe the rest of the movie was just so ridiculous it didn’t matter to me by the time we got there.
Liam: [Ed: he's rolling his eyes.] Okay, but Karl Urban, aka Black Hat. Awesome bad guy. Evil and scary as shit. Also, dirty-hot.
Gianni: Yes, agreed on all points. And I like the idea that other than him, the vampires are extremely feral and inhuman. I think we need more of that propaganda spread around. It lulls the humans into a false sense of security if they think they can see us coming.
Liam: True–plus, I always give bonus points for remorseless throat-tearing vampires.
Gianni: And they say I’m the vain one.
Gianni: Maggie Q as nameless priestess–
Liam: Pretty sure she was just called a priest like the dudes.
Gianni: Right, then, nameless priest who happens to be a woman was also delicious.
Liam: She was, but I was kinda meh on the love story. I guess it explained why she wanted to help him, but I don’t know. It seemed kinda tacked on. Like, “Hey, she’s a woman, she has to be in love with the hero!”
Gianni: Either way, she was the only one I’d actually be afraid of.
Gianni: She killed multiple half-vampire-what-the-hell-ever creatures on motorcycles while she was wearing heeled boots. They weren’t horrifically impractical heels, but still. That’s a good day’s work.
Liam: Yeah, I couldn’t do it.
Gianni: I’ve done worse in more inconvenient footwear, but for a human, it’s impressive.
Liam: So, that’s a story I need to hear.
Gianni: It was the seventies. Moving on. My bonus points always go to the music, which was decent, with an appropriate use of Mozart’s Requiem. It’s not a futuristic Catholic dystopia without some Dies Irae.
Liam: Yeah, this movie reminds me of Giuseppe a lot.
Gianni: Me too, now you mention it. Parting thoughts?
Liam: They obviously told everyone just to do an American accent so they all sounded like they were from the same place. But I want to know why Stephen Moyer thinks all Americans sound like they’re from Louisiana. Not that there’s anything wrong with that–
Gianni: Yes. Yes, there is. I suppose the movie was entertaining, if ridiculous.
Liam: Sex. Me and this movie. It’s happening.
Gianni: You’re such a charmer.
Aaaand that’s all for tonight’s Vampire Movie Night. Back in a few with some more. Because vampire movies are awesome–even the ones we don’t want to, uh, have sex with. (Not sure how that works. Liam’s not either, but he won’t admit to it, so there we go.)