Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
The Bleeding (2009)
Director: Charlie Picerni
Writer: Lance Lane
Stars: Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones and Armand Assante
This review contains spoilers. [Ed- Not that there's anything to spoil, because for once, I agree with these guys.]
GIANNI: What the fuck did we just watch?
LIAM: Oh god, I’m so sorry.
GIANNI: I am immortal. Well, I can be killed, but it’s not an easy thing. I have lived, well, for a long time–
LIAM: He turns 104 in December. Total cradle robber.
GIANNI: [Ed: he's smirking.] My point is that I have spent a great deal of time on this planet, and I will spend even more. And yet, I’m still supremely annoyed that I just wasted nearly two hours of my life on that movie.
LIAM: I only picked it because DMX was in it. I was thinking, “Oh, hey, DMX, so at least someone will be awesome.”
GIANNI: Yes, and didn’t that just work out for you?
LIAM: I kept telling myself he’d come back as a vampire. But nope. They really just did the horror movie thing and killed the black dude in the first five minutes of the movie. In 2009.
GIANNI: It’s so depressingly predictable.
LIAM: See, even the old guy notices. It’s that racist.
GIANNI: Fuck you. I should’ve made you turn it off the second the name “Kat von D” appeared in the opening credits.
LIAM: Okay, but to be fair, she always looks badass. And was one of the better actors.
GIANNI: Which should tell everyone just how fucking awful the acting was.
LIAM: Vinnie Jones is usually pretty entertaining too. And I’m pretty sure they were trying to be campy and Robert Rodriguez-y but just failed like a huge failing thing.
GIANNI: Oh, stop making excuses for this catastrophe. Let’s just get on with it. The vampires.
LIAM: What the fuck were they even doing? Was there a plot with them? Like, some dude was an Army Ranger and he got changed into a vampire in Afghanistan and… for some inane reason only his brother could take him out with some weird-ass blessed sword. And they were in a nightclub. And the party girl got killed because, you know, if you like sex, you have to die.
GIANNI: That does seem to hit the salient points. Oh, also, the vampires employed a giant butcher who hacked up women for them. Because apparently these vampires require hacked up women-parts for something-or-other.
LIAM: Yeah, I think the best part of the movie is when the so-called hero lands in the kill room in a pile of dismembered woman-bodies. And he says, “Well, that was great.” That guy, such a fucking comedian.
GIANNI: Hilarious. And what was going on with drunken priest Michael Madsen? He’s been waiting around for years with an arsenal of blessed weapons–
LIAM: Oooh, scary.
GIANNI: –with some random errand boy whose slavish attachment to him is never explained and frankly a bit creepy–
LIAM: And this is coming from the guy who stalked his college roommate. [Ed: here, Liam points to himself.]
GIANNI: –preparing for this totally unexplained slayer to come along and… end all vampires by killing his brother? Oh god, I feel like I’m getting stupider just talking about it. Is that possible?
LIAM: That was my favorite line: “I don’t know how my brother became this pure evil Cain. But if he is in fact evil, fuck him. He ain’t my brother no more.” [Ed: Liam's laughing. It is kind of unpleasant.]
GIANNI: Darling, would you do me a favor? Please kill this movie with fire.
LIAM: Seriously though, I love the way DMX barks everything. He’d make a great vampire.
GIANNI: I wasn’t joking about the fire.
LIAM: It’s the least I can do.
And that’s all for today’s edition. Hopefully their next one won’t be so terrible or they might start to rebel, and I really hate unruly head-vampires. But until then, I’ll hold out hope.
images came from imdb and here.