Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
PS: If anyone ever wondered how I feel about “snarky” reviews? Uh. Guess.
Razor Blade Smile (1998)
Director: Jake West
Writer: Jake West
Stars: Eileen Daly, Christopher Adamson and Jonathan Coote
This review contains spoilers. Thanks to Pat Worden for the rec!
Gianni: Okay. I would have sex with this movie.
Liam: How did I know you’d say that?
Gianni: Because you know how much I like to–
Gianni: In a few decades you’ll be impossible to embarrass. I have to make the most of it while I can.
Gianni: You’re no fun.
Liam: [Ed - After a moment of deliberation.] That’s not what you said last night.
Gianni: There, was that so hard?
Liam: Okay, actually, this does serve as a good intro to this movie. Because while it’s cheesy as fuck, it also contains awesome vampire sex. So let’s roll.
Gianni: It is not cheesy. It is at times confusing, as I’m not really sure what was going on in the opening. But I suppose I got the gist.
Liam: Yeah, Lilith’s husband or someone was dueling Blake the evil vampire, and she got shot instead, and he made her a vampire?
Gianni: I don’t know, but it was a good choice on his part, clearly. Quality of vampire is very high in this film.
Liam: Sure. Aaaannnnyhow–
Gianni: Look at this fabulous fucker. She steals shit, she kills people, she gets paid.
Liam: Yeah, she’s like a vampire supervillain.
Gianni: I have to appreciate the way she manages to keep herself amused over the centuries rather than going emo and insane.
Liam: Yeah–though the human she gets her jobs from is a grade A toolshed. And he gets her into this conspiracy where the people with the weird eyeball rings are trying to kill her. Which we never really understand until the very end.
Gianni: No, she needs about an hour to fuck around and be amazing. Enjoy the ride.
Liam: I did enjoy the ride. Well, the ride she took with the annoying “I know everything about vampires” woman from the club, anyhow. Way less annoying in bed, as it turns out.
Gianni: It was a startlingly accurate portrayal of what happens when vampires fuck humans. This is why I only do it after eating someone else. Someone always knows you went home with them and then they turn up dead and it becomes a mess.
Liam: You should write a guidebook for new vampires.
Gianni: Yes, because you listened to me so well.
Liam: For new vampires you didn’t mindfuck and then kill yourself.
Gianni: Point taken.
Liam: The problem with this one is that it kind of ruins shit if you say too much about why the ending is so great.
Gianni: Well, we spoiled the other ones, but I agree. So I will say this: I hope that in another hundred years, Liam and I are having this much fun.
Liam: And being this fucking fabulous.
Gianni: And this fucking evil.
Liam: That’s kinda romantic, G.
Gianni: If you say so. Better learn how to fence, darling.
That’s all for this edition of Vampire Movie Night. I’m glad they liked this one well enough, or I might’ve suffered for giving them two crap ones in a row. Cranky vamps are the worst. Thanks again, Pat!