Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
Tonight begins our two-part Fright Night extravaganza. Yay!
Fright Night (1985)
Director: Tom Holland
Writer: Tom Holland
Stars: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, and Amanda Bearse
L: This movie wastes absolutely no time letting you know that you’re supposed to be cheering for a date-rapey peeping tom, basically.
G: That’s a little hypocritical coming from a sociopathic killer, Liam.
L: I’m the bad guy. We’re supposed to think this kid is the good guy.
G: Right, look at this in the spirit of camp. You can’t cheer for anyone because they’re all cardboard cutouts. You’re meant to sit back and enjoy the carnage–it’s a horror spoof.
L: Then it should be funny. Also, “Charley Brewster” is a stupid name.
G: You decided not to like it within five minutes, didn’t you?
L: Because it was already terrible, yes.
G: Oh, it was fun.
L: First off, let’s look at our human heroes: date-rapey boy Charley, girl stereotype who exists to get him into trouble Amy, and the nerdy best friend who–
G: –is apparently on some intense drugs.
L: You lived through the 80s. Don’t tell me you don’t know cocaine when you see it.
G: You lived through most of it.
L: Yeah, I was like, five. Not exactly doing lines in the club bathroom with Robert Downey, Jr.
G: Shut up, you brat.
L: Speaking of, even you thought the extended old-ass vampire groping the high school girl scene was gross.
G: At first, I was mostly offended by Jerry-the-Vampire’s Bill Cosby sweater. But then I realized that whole scene was actually meant to be hot. It went on forever, and then just… kept going…
L: He shushed her. And made her take her top off with his brain. Even you don’t do that shit.
G: She also made orgasm sounds while being bitten. Which, yes, can and does happen, but only when Liam–
L: Stop. Stop right there. We’re so not doing this again. Point is, in this context, it’s gross. Not in a good way.
G: [Insert dramatic sigh. -ed]
L: And he vamps out. In the club. In the club, Gianni. Then there’s his inability to kill these three worthless teenagers…
G: Yes, I will allow that Jerry is a very stupid vampire.
L: With a stupid vampire name.
G: He must’ve been getting very old and bored, to spend his time fucking with small children and doing vampire things with his neighbors in full view.
L: He’s trying to die, pretty much. But I can’t take Prince Humperdink seriously as a vampire, anyhow, so whatever.
G: Peter Vincent is a great character, though. If Jerry is like someone dragged Langella’s Dracula into the suburbs, Roddy McDowall as Vincent is the perfect Van Helsing. It’s a lovely nod to the character, and Peter Cushing, Vincent Price. And he has that interesting echo of the fading star, like Lugosi in his older, sadder years. Plus, they used the mirror to figure Jerry out, which was a nice riff on the original Dracula, you must admit. And there’s even a Renfield character who–
L: You are so cute when you get nostalgic.
G: You don’t appreciate real cinema.
L: Old Man.
L: Hey, you knew what you were getting when you opened the box, Vlad.
G: I am really amused by the cheesy horror effects, though. The gore in the end is so silly and fabulous. Very Tales From the Crypt. You’re really not appreciating the camp, here, darling.
L: I’m just saying that it doesn’t hold up well over the decades. Some things don’t. Some things do. [Insert significant glance. -ed]
G: You’re trying to distract me with flattery.
L: Always worked before. Come on. This was terrible. And what the hell is going on with the vampire’s apparent past with the girl who looked like useless-girlfriend-Amy-but-wasn’t? It made no fucking sense.
G: I admit that I can’t wrap my mind around it, no. Must’ve been left on the cutting-room floor.
L: All I can say is, good thing you didn’t fuck him when he tried, girl, or you never woulda made it out of this movie alive.
G: See, I always let the ones I fuck live.
L: Life refuses to imitate art. Thank Christ. Do we seriously have to watch the remake next?
G: It’ll be fun.