Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
Tonight is the second of our two-part Fright Night extravaganza.
Fright Night (2011)
Director: Craig Gillespie
Writers: Marti Noxon (screenplay), Tom Holland (story)
Stars: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant, and Imogen Poots
L: Vampires in Vegas! Okay, seriously, first impressions were: one–Wow, much better beginning and two–Holy shit, is that Chekov?
G: It’s like Six Degrees of Science Fiction with you every. single. night.
L: Shut up, I like Chekov. And, I mean, Hero-boy Charley’s vaguely creepy in this one, too, but not in a date rapey way. Just a general asshole teenager way. He’s a dick to his friends…
G: Don’t beat yourself up, darling. I actually like the friend, in this version.
L: Yeah, Ed is the man. I mean, he makes fun of the fact that the big bad vampire is called Jerry.
G: And he actually serves a plot purpose instead of just being the obligatory coked-up 80s loser-buddy.
L: Also has the best line in the whole movie: “He’s not brooding or lovesick or noble; he’s the fucking shark from Jaws.”
G: “And seriously I am so angry that you think I read Twilight.”
L: I thought Twilight was kinda fun.
G: And you wonder why I question your taste.
L: Let’s just pause for a second to appreciate Jerry in this movie. He’s so much more badass than in the 80s one. And smarter. That gasline thing was classic
G: He’s completely absurd and trying to get himself killed. Plus, he’s lost all the old-timey cinema charm that made the 80s version funny.
L: Except it wasn’t funny, so that’s actually a good thing. Colin Ferrell is all dirty and scary and hot. And he has that Dexter-like kill room–I mean a whole hall of them. That’s fucking genius.
G: He left a victim alive up there, went downstairs–went out of the house when he knew his neighbor was watching him. If you’re trying to pitch this as a more realistic vampire film–
L: Well, yeah, okay, but they at least tried to explain it. All the characters have motivations and personalities instead of just being caricatures–
G: You’re ridiculous. This is horrible.
L: If watching that guy drink blood didn’t give you a huge vampire boner, you should just set yourself on fire right now. You are already dead. Again.
G: … well, there is that, I suppose. But it’s still horrible.
L: They did keep the Jerry-eating-apples thing from the old version.
G: They added a fucking car chase and lost everything that was charming. The Renfield character, for example. Who admittedly had none of the awesome of Renfield, but–
L: No. You want Thirty Days of Night for awesome Renfield-like characters.
G: Liam, pay attention. You like what they kept from the 80s version, but you’re ignoring that that version was a nod to Dracula and its ilk. This film is like… reading a translation of a translation.
L: And yet it’s better. How funny was David Tennant as Peter Vincent? Losing the washed up Van Helsing shtick for a fucked up Criss Angel, Vampire Hunter–
G: Who drinks Midori constantly. Ugh.
L: That’s why it’s funny. And the bit where he’s bitching about the leather pants. I lost my shit.
G: You just like him because he was the Doctor.
L: Nine was the best.
G: I give up.
L: Another awesome difference: the ladies didn’t have to suck the whole time. Mom got to be a badass during the–
G: –hideously gratuitous–
L: –car chase bit. And Amy, who was basically just The Girlfriend Who Won’t Put Out and Gets Into Trouble in the old version, got to kick some ass wandering around Vincent’s awesome stockpile of eBay vampire-hunting paraphernalia.
G: I will admit that the bit where Jerry abducts her from the club and turns her into his “bride” was far less unfortunate in this version, as well. Not just because there was nary a Cosby sweater in sight. Anyhow, she’s your type.
L: I don’t have a type.
G: Girls who boss you around, make you feel like you don’t deserve them, and can mentally kick your ass.
L: Oh. Yeah, okay. She is kinda my type.
G: I suppose the movie wouldn’t have been so terrible if it hadn’t devolved completely into a spiral of action movie stupidity.
L: At least it looked cool, unlike the last movie.
G: Give it a decade and see how it holds up, sweetheart.