Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!
Tonight is 1992′s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (As in, before the TV show, there was…)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Director: Fran Rubel Kuzui
Writer: Joss Whedon
Stars: Kristy Swanson, Donald Sutherland, and Paul Reubens
L: Holy shit, how have I never seen this movie before?
G: I have no idea; it seems like the kind of thing you would watch.
L: What’s that mean?
G: You’re easily amused?
L: You thought the old Fright Night was funny, but not this?
G: It has its moments. Didn’t you watch the TV show?
L: No, actually. I’m more of a Firefly guy.
G: What the hell is Firefly?
L: Why are we even friends, again?
G: Because I’m incredibly charming, well-read, and quick-witted? Because I have a weakness for farm boys and I always get what I want? Because–
L: I get it. But still. Jesus, man.
G: I do like Buffy. She’s my kind of girl. I’d want to kiss her, not destroy her… though she would make an excellent vampire.
L: Thing is, she wants to destroy you.
G: Any human who doesn’t has earned their Darwin Award fairly.
L: True that. She is the reason this movie’s awesome, though. The original valley-girl bad-ass. The best is when that dude grabs her ass in the hall and she busts out vampire-killing moves on him and just body-slams the fucker.
G: You would think that was hot.
L: Yeah, yeah, my type, we’ve established this. Pretty fucking resourceful too. Girl can make anything into a stake.
G: I like that even she doesn’t realize how wonderful she is. And it’s not so much that this creepy old man shows her, but that he…
L: Gives her a kick in the pants so she can figure it out?
G: Yes. Aren’t you going to complain about him stalking cheerleaders in locker rooms and at the gym?
L: Yeah, that ain’t right. Oh also, go Luke Perry. Get it, buddy.
L: The vampires were hokey, but in an awesome way. I enjoyed the obligatory cracked out vamped-friend, this time around.
G: I am a little confused about this “chosen one business”, though. I understand the basics–
L: One dies, another one is born who looks just like her, including a mole-thing so creepy Merrick guy, who is apparently always born in the same unfortunate Donald Sutherland body, can recognize and train her.
G: But I don’t understand her link with these ugly vampires. The… vampire… lord… creature…
L: Thing. Lothos.
G: Yes, him. He says they’re bound to each other. And then he’s about to eat her, maybe halfway through the movie, but he stops because “She’s not ready.”
L: Yeah, what was that? Is there some recipe? Like she needs to bake longer in the slayer oven to taste right, or join him or something? Brine longer in the slayer barrel? Hang in the slayer cella–?
G: Yes, all right, thank you.
L: Maybe the show explains it. We should watch the show.
L: In closing, I just want to say that I hope when I die, I go out like that Amilyn guy, because that was hilarious.
G: You had better not die, brat. In closing, I would just like to say that when you end up dead in a high school gym after a dance, you are officially a failure as a vampire.
L: Oh yeah, and if you watch this movie–which you should, totally stick around for the news reports after.
G: If you must.