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Vampire Movie Night: Fascination (sorta NSFW)

28 Mar

Welcome to the return of a  segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Tonight is Jean Rollin’s 1979 surreality, Fascination. Oh dear…

Fascination (1979)
Director: Jean Rollin
Stars: Franca Maï, Brigitte Lahaie, Jean-Marie Lemaire


G: Jean Rollin–there’s a name I haven’t heard in decades.
L: Do all of his movies begin with ladies hanging out in a meat locker drinking cow blood?
G: Of course not. But something very like, anyhow.
L: That’s pretty much how I knew this movie was going to be a weird experience.
G: And it delivered on that, at least.

L: So we have this dude, who is an absolute tool. I mean he’s a thief, which is fine, but also a tool, which is not. And for some inexplicable reason, women keep throwing themselves at him.
G: Well, he’s not terrible-looking naked.
L: I guess, but that red-and-black striped jacket… even know that’s shit.
G: I had one very like it in the seventies.
L: The seventies were a time of special madness for you weren’t they?
G: It wasn’t just me, darling, I assure you.


Welcome to our deserted chateau where we run around in nightgowns, Mr. Poorly Dressed Thief! Care for a fuck?


L: So basically these two girls are alone in this giant chateau. Having sex occasionally. Even though they kiss like they have no idea how to kiss.
G: It was a movie-kiss.
L: Right. And then, ugly thief-dude decides to hide in the chateau. So they… fuck around with him–and one of them fucks him–to keep him there until night for mysterious reasons. But the other one somehow falls in love with him. For even more mysterious reasons because what the actual fuck?
G: That would seem to be the whole of the plot. It really doesn’t seem to be going anywhere for the entire hour and a half.
L: Except to Naked Town. Because the blonde apparently has to screw like everyone in the house. Her friend, the ugly dude, the bandit dude.
G: And there isn’t really a trace of vampires.
L: But there are a lot of boobs.
G: And a little bit of man ass.


That’s it. That’s the movie.

L: And then we have what I assume is the iconic scene. Where, after fucking a dude to death in the stables, blondie throws a cloak over her birthday suit then picks up a sickle and runs around killing people.
G: Who have necessarily melodramatic death scenes.
L: While the viewer still has no idea what the fuck is going on, but hey, at least it’s kinda bad-ass.
G: That’s one word for it.


But really, it’s not much weirder than what you’d see at Fashion Week, is it?

G: I like the overall concept of the film, though–at least once we discover what it is in the last twenty minutes or so. All of these oxblood drinking, now blood-obsessed ladies finally show up at dark to have their ‘reunion’, waiting to see death and wearing veils… and this hapless idiot thief gets taken.
L: It’d be easier to appreciate if it wasn’t so annoying. Like, the audacity of this guy. He’s hanging out with seven freaky women who keep telling him death is coming and he’s just like whatever “you’re too bossy for my taste” and acts like he can screw with them.


Well, he’ll try, anyhow…

G: He thinks women harmless. They are exploiting that idiocy. Though there’s no real vampire, in the way we think of it, it’s quintessential vampire practice.
L: No, it’s way worse than that. This movie is basically saying women who are dangerous are evil. They’re all, like, lusting after this tool. I feel stupider for every minute this movie goes on.
G: You know, while I do think it’s trying to be arty, I think you’re reading too far into it. It’s really just meant to be an entertaining film about sex and death.
L: (makes a face)
G: (rolls his eyes)


Wait, did the movie just describe itself on multiple levels? This is getting too meta.

L: There are some major WTF moments right before the end but… I gotta admit, it had a better ending than I was expecting. For a second I thought it was gonna be ‘bad girl leaves her bad girl friends for douchebag boy and is suddenly saved’.
G: Agreed. I almost don’t regret this hour and a half.
L: Almost. Except. Not.
G: So if you’re looking for arty softcore with a lot of blood and deathfucking–
L: And French!
G: –this is the movie for you. And if you’re not, well, there’s no accounting for taste.


NOW, it’s a party.

Vampire Movie Night: Daybreakers

10 Mar

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Tonight is 2009′s Daybreakers. Thanks to Brian Fatah Steele for the rec! This one went over really well, believe it or not… [Some spoilers for character death follow!]

Daybreakers (2009)
Directors: Michael Spierig, Peter Spierig
Writers: Michael Spierig, Peter Spierig
Stars: Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill, Isabel Lucas


LIAM: Okay, so we can both agree that this one is a winner, right?
GIANNI: Not perfect, and a little heavy-handed with the metaphor, but yes, I enjoyed it. For science fiction.
LIAM: Shut up. At least it’s more with the metaphor for humanity’s mismanagement of resources in general than being just a metaphor for rape?
GIANNI: It gets there eventually, but that’s one of its many flaws. However, the good does outweigh the bad.
Really, the first ten minutes of this movie are visual exposition. “Look, the world is run by vampires! Humans are in hiding because they’ve been hunted to the brink of extinction!” It shouldn’t be at all interesting, but it is.
LIAM: It’s fucking pretty, is why. Plus, the thing where the vampire Army uses Uncle Sam as their mascot is awesome. Adds a little dark humor to the post-vampire-virus-apocalyptic feeling.

Blood Factory!

Factory blood: it’s like the Matrix, but better.

GIANNI: Just promise me you’ll kill us before we’re stuck with factory-farmed blood.
LIAM: Or whatever the fuck is going on there. That’s gross. I am oddly intrigued by the idea of blood in the coffee like creamer though.
GIANNI: It’d never work, but it’s aesthetically interesting. More metaphor. And also, a little bit gross.
LIAM: Not nearly as gross as that early scene where Vampire Dr. Ethan Hawke has to test his faux-blood formula on a guy before it’s ready. Where the dude pukes all over the vampire doctors and then explodes.
GIANNI: Yes. That was gross.
LIAM: Full marks for well-done horror effects.
GIANNI: And immediately letting us know this is a movie that intends to batter us senseless with the Evil Corporation trope.

Nasty Vampires omg

So not what happens when you drink from another vampire, by the way…

LIAM: Okay, okay, but speaking of horror effects: how about that emaciated vampire thing?
GIANNI: That actually… might be what it looks like when someone is blood-starved for long enough. Truly disturbing.
LIAM: And then when they get desperate enough to eat from other vampires they turn into those nasty shriveled psychotic creatures–
GIANNI: Oh god. No.
LIAM: Definitely not a thing that happens.
GIANNI: Though what does happen is more disturbing in its way… no. Absolutely not.
LIAM: Interesting and terrifying, though.
GIANNI: And therefore approved?
LIAM: One-hundred-and-ten percent, yes. Though the crowning horror movie achievement in this one is that feeding cycle near the very end. Vampire Military Little Bro Frankie dies from the–well, that’s even more of a spoiler, so I won’t give away what he eats to make him all fucked up, then the army dudes eat him, then they die, then more army dudes eat them, then they die, then–
GIANNI: It’s wasteful and gratuitous. Why am I not surprised that you enjoyed it? Also, I think Little Brother Frankie counts as our coked up 80s vamped friend for this one, yes?
LIAM: Yes. Definitely. All the family drama happening here.
GIANNI: Sounds familiar.

Vampire Doc

A cure–a blood substitute! All things are impossible with this pharma co.

LIAM: Best line, though, “It’s never been about a cure. It’s just repeat business.” I love that the undead pharma companies are as fucked up as the living ones.
GIANNI: We’re not human, but vampires do share certain qualities with our less evolved cousins. Greed being one. I suppose I can let it pass.
LIAM: The vampire pharma angle is something Giuseppe could appreciate. We should convince him to watch it.
GIANNI: Yes, his skewed moral code is rigid, too.
LIAM: Speaking of, this is the first ‘vampire who refuses to feed on humans’ story I’ve been willing to buy. They set that shit up really nicely.
GIANNI: As nicely as possible, maybe. Also, how amusing is it that Ethan Hawke spends the whole movie smoking? The cigarette lobby loves this movie.
LIAM: Total ‘Thank You For Smoking’ moment. Oh, Hollywood.
GIANNI: I love that Oldsmobile made a vampire-safe car for this.
LIAM: It’s an old man car, so you would.


CAPTURE HUMANS. It’s what Uncle Sam wants.

LIAM: Shame Willem deFoe was a human freedom fighter instead of a vampire. He’s such a perfect vampire candidate.
GIANNI: Also, the humans had excellent laboratory facilities for post-apocalyptic weak-blooded human refugees.
LIAM: Okay, that was a little flaw, yeah. But I was cheering for the humans–though this movie was surprisingly even-handed about who’s really good and who’s really bad. It’s kinda deep.
GIANNI: No. No, we will not over-analyze science fiction tonight. I forbid it.
LIAM: My life is over-analyzed science fiction. Thanks to someone.
GIANNI: You love it.

Images gleaned from here.

Radio Silence

3 Mar


Right so here come those changes. Today is my anniversary with B (seven years and we’re both still alive!) and then tomorrow starts the great moving adventure of 2013. Really, the great moving adventure started a few weeks back, but this is go time. Therefore, I’m going to be a little bit silent–and all the things I want to do but have to wait for will be rattling around in my skull unhappily. You know how it goes!

While I’m gone, here’s some stuff to keep you:

… mmm can you tell I’m utterly scatterbrained right now? Because I totally am. Next time I talk to you, it’ll be from Ohio, my old home sweet home.


8 Nov

It’s time for another trip to India, yay! This time, we’re going a little earlier than usual so we can hang out for Diwali. There will, of course, be random pictures.

In the meantime, I think I can arrange a vampire movie review while I’m away. There were supposed to be two. I re-watched the first few eps of The Vampire Diaries thinking that could be amusing for them.

Now I realize why I didn’t actually recall thinking of them when I first watched it. Basically they decided they’d rather be reading “something interesting”, but, “let us know when Damon kills someone, though. That’s fun.”

… welp. I thought G would at least like the mindfuck aspect.

Okay, then. Screw you, vampire brats. think it’s a fun show!

And I will finally, finally catch up with it. Possibly while recovering from the epic jet lag that’s about to ensue. Back before Thanksgiving!

Vampire Movie Night: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

19 Oct

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Tonight is 1992’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (As in, before the TV show, there was…)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Director: Fran Rubel Kuzui
Writer: Joss Whedon
Stars: Kristy Swanson, Donald Sutherland, and Paul Reubens

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

L: Holy shit, how have I never seen this movie before?
G: I have no idea; it seems like the kind of thing you would watch.
L: What’s that mean?
G: You’re easily amused?
L: You thought the old Fright Night was funny, but not this?
G: It has its moments. Didn’t you watch the TV show?
L: No, actually. I’m more of a Firefly guy.
G: What the hell is Firefly?
L: Why are we even friends, again?
G: Because I’m incredibly charming, well-read, and quick-witted? Because I have a weakness for farm boys and I always get what I want? Because–
L: I get it. But still. Jesus, man.

Kristy Swanson as Buffy

Excuse much. Rude or anything?

G: I do like Buffy. She’s my kind of girl. I’d want to kiss her, not destroy her… though she would make an excellent vampire.
L: Thing is, she wants to destroy you.
G: Any human who doesn’t has earned their Darwin Award fairly.
L: True that. She is the reason this movie’s awesome, though. The original valley-girl bad-ass. The best is when that dude grabs her ass in the hall and she busts out vampire-killing moves on him and just body-slams the fucker.
G: You would think that was hot.
L: Yeah, yeah, my type, we’ve established this. Pretty fucking resourceful too. Girl can make anything into a stake.
G: I like that even she doesn’t realize how wonderful she is. And it’s not so much that this creepy old man shows her, but that he…
L: Gives her a kick in the pants so she can figure it out?
G: Yes. Aren’t you going to complain about him stalking cheerleaders in locker rooms and at the gym?
L: Yeah, that ain’t right. Oh also, go Luke Perry. Get it, buddy.

David Arquette as Obligatory Cracked Out Vampire Friend, Benny

David Arquette as Obligatory Cracked Out Vampire Friend, Benny

L: The vampires were hokey, but in an awesome way. I enjoyed the obligatory cracked out vamped-friend, this time around.
G: I am a little confused about this “chosen one business”, though. I understand the basics–
L: One dies, another one is born who looks just like her, including a mole-thing so creepy Merrick guy, who is apparently always born in the same unfortunate Donald Sutherland body, can recognize and train her.
G: But I don’t understand her link with these ugly vampires. The… vampire… lord… creature…
L: Thing. Lothos.
G: Yes, him. He says they’re bound to each other. And then he’s about to eat her, maybe halfway through the movie, but he stops because “She’s not ready.”
L: Yeah, what was that? Is there some recipe? Like she needs to bake longer in the slayer oven to taste right, or join him or something? Brine longer in the slayer barrel? Hang in the slayer cella–?
G: Yes, all right, thank you.
L: Maybe the show explains it. We should watch the show.
G: Gah.


They share a bond. We don’t know what kind. We’re not sure we want to. She sets him on fire with hairspray. Who cares. That’s awesome.

L: In closing, I just want to say that I hope when I die, I go out like that Amilyn guy, because that was hilarious.
G: You had better not die, brat. In closing, I would just like to say that when you end up dead in a high school gym after a dance, you are officially a failure as a vampire.
L: Oh yeah, and if you watch this movie–which you should, totally stick around for the news reports after.
G: If you must.

Vampire Movie Night: Fright Night (2011)

4 Oct

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Tonight is the second of our two-part Fright Night extravaganza. 

Fright Night (2011)
Director: Craig Gillespie
Writers: Marti Noxon (screenplay), Tom Holland (story)
Stars: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant, and Imogen Poots

L: Vampires in Vegas! Okay, seriously, first impressions were: one–Wow, much better beginning and two–Holy shit, is that Chekov?
G: It’s like Six Degrees of Science Fiction with you every. single. night.
L: Shut up, I like Chekov. And, I mean, Hero-boy Charley’s vaguely creepy in this one, too, but not in a date rapey way. Just a general asshole teenager way. He’s a dick to his friends…
G: Don’t beat yourself up, darling. I actually like the friend, in this version.
L: Yeah, Ed is the man. I mean, he makes fun of the fact that the big bad vampire is called Jerry.
G: And he actually serves a plot purpose instead of just being the obligatory coked-up 80s loser-buddy.
L: Also has the best line in the whole movie: “He’s not brooding or lovesick or noble; he’s the fucking shark from Jaws.”
G: “And seriously I am so angry that you think I read Twilight.”
L: I thought Twilight was kinda fun.
G: And you wonder why I question your taste.

L: Let’s just pause for a second to appreciate Jerry in this movie. He’s so much more badass than in the 80s one. And smarter. That gasline thing was classic
G: He’s completely absurd and trying to get himself killed. Plus, he’s lost all the old-timey cinema charm that made the 80s version funny.
L: Except it wasn’t funny, so that’s actually a good thing. Colin Ferrell is all dirty and scary and hot. And he has that Dexter-like kill room–I mean a whole hall of them. That’s fucking genius.
G: He left a victim alive up there, went downstairs–went out of the house when he knew his neighbor was watching him. If you’re trying to pitch this as a more realistic vampire film–
L: Well, yeah, okay, but they at least tried to explain it. All the characters have motivations and personalities instead of just being caricatures–
G: You’re ridiculous. This is horrible.
L: If watching that guy drink blood didn’t give you a huge vampire boner, you should just set yourself on fire right now. You are already dead. Again.
G: … well, there is that, I suppose. But it’s still horrible.

L: They did keep the Jerry-eating-apples thing from the old version.
G: They added a fucking car chase and lost everything that was charming. The Renfield character, for example. Who admittedly had none of the awesome of Renfield, but–
L: No. You want Thirty Days of Night for awesome Renfield-like characters.
G: Liam, pay attention. You like what they kept from the 80s version, but you’re ignoring that that version was a nod to Dracula and its ilk. This film is like… reading a translation of a translation.
L: And yet it’s better. How funny was David Tennant as Peter Vincent? Losing the washed up Van Helsing shtick for a fucked up Criss Angel, Vampire Hunter–
G: Who drinks Midori constantly. Ugh.
L: That’s why it’s funny. And the bit where he’s bitching about the leather pants. I lost my shit.
G: You just like him because he was the Doctor.
L: Nine was the best.
G: I give up.

L: Another awesome difference: the ladies didn’t have to suck the whole time. Mom got to be a badass during the–
G: –hideously gratuitous–
L: –car chase bit. And Amy, who was basically just The Girlfriend Who Won’t Put Out and Gets Into Trouble in the old version, got to kick some ass wandering around Vincent’s awesome stockpile of eBay vampire-hunting paraphernalia.
G: I will admit that the bit where Jerry abducts her from the club and turns her into his “bride” was far less unfortunate in this version, as well. Not just because there was nary a Cosby sweater in sight. Anyhow, she’s your type.
L: I don’t have a type.
G: Girls who boss you around, make you feel like you don’t deserve them, and can mentally kick your ass.
L: Oh. Yeah, okay. She is kinda my type.

G: I suppose the movie wouldn’t have been so terrible if it hadn’t devolved completely into a spiral of action movie stupidity.
L: At least it looked cool, unlike the last movie.
G: Give it a decade and see how it holds up, sweetheart.

Vampire Movie Night: Fright Night (1985)

11 Sep

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Tonight begins our two-part Fright Night extravaganza. Yay!

Fright Night (1985)
Director: Tom Holland
Writer: Tom Holland
Stars: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, and Amanda Bearse

Fright Night

L: This movie wastes absolutely no time letting you know that you’re supposed to be cheering for a date-rapey peeping tom, basically.
G: That’s a little hypocritical coming from a sociopathic killer, Liam.
L: I’m the bad guy. We’re supposed to think this kid is the good guy.
G: Right, look at this in the spirit of camp. You can’t cheer for anyone because they’re all cardboard cutouts. You’re meant to sit back and enjoy the carnage–it’s a horror spoof.
L: Then it should be funny. Also, “Charley Brewster” is a stupid name.
G: You decided not to like it within five minutes, didn’t you?
L: Because it was already terrible, yes.

The compelling heroes of Fright Night

Our Heroes

G: Oh, it was fun.
L: First off, let’s look at our human heroes: date-rapey boy Charley, girl stereotype who exists to get him into trouble Amy, and the nerdy best friend who–
G: –is apparently on some intense drugs.
L: You lived through the 80s. Don’t tell me you don’t know cocaine when you see it.
G: You lived through most of it.
L: Yeah, I was like, five. Not exactly doing lines in the club bathroom with Robert Downey, Jr.
G: Shut up, you brat.


Amanda Bearse is accosted by Chris Sarandon. NOPE.

L: Speaking of, even you thought the extended old-ass vampire groping the high school girl scene was gross.
G: At first, I was mostly offended by Jerry-the-Vampire’s Bill Cosby sweater. But then I realized that whole scene was actually meant to be hot. It went on forever, and then just… kept going…
L: He shushed her. And made her take her top off with his brain. Even you don’t do that shit.
G: She also made orgasm sounds while being bitten. Which, yes, can and does happen, but only when Liam–
L: Stop. Stop right there. We’re so not doing this again. Point is, in this context, it’s gross. Not in a good way.
G: [Insert dramatic sigh. -ed]
L: And he vamps out. In the club. In the club, Gianni. Then there’s his inability to kill these three worthless teenagers…

Kill him, Jerry the Vampire. PLEASE.

Seriously, why do you keep NOT KILLING HIM?

G: Yes, I will allow that Jerry is a very stupid vampire.
L: With a stupid vampire name.
G: He must’ve been getting very old and bored, to spend his time fucking with small children and doing vampire things with his neighbors in full view.
L: He’s trying to die, pretty much. But I can’t take Prince Humperdink seriously as a vampire, anyhow, so whatever.
G: Peter Vincent is a great character, though. If Jerry is like someone dragged Langella’s Dracula into the suburbs, Roddy McDowall as Vincent is the perfect Van Helsing. It’s a lovely nod to the character, and Peter Cushing, Vincent Price. And he has that interesting echo of the fading star, like Lugosi in his older, sadder years. Plus, they used the mirror to figure Jerry out, which was a nice riff on the original Dracula, you must admit. And there’s even a Renfield character who–
L: You are so cute when you get nostalgic.
G: You don’t appreciate real cinema.
L: Old Man.
G: Philistine.
L: Hey, you knew what you were getting when you opened the box, Vlad.

Sarandon in makeup

Humperdink is not happy.

G: I am really amused by the cheesy horror effects, though. The gore in the end is so silly and fabulous. Very Tales From the Crypt. You’re really not appreciating the camp, here, darling.
L: I’m just saying that it doesn’t hold up well over the decades. Some things don’t. Some things do. [Insert significant glance. -ed]
G: You’re trying to distract me with flattery.
L: Always worked before. Come on. This was terrible. And what the hell is going on with the vampire’s apparent past with the girl who looked like useless-girlfriend-Amy-but-wasn’t? It made no fucking sense.
G: I admit that I can’t wrap my mind around it, no. Must’ve been left on the cutting-room floor.
L: All I can say is, good thing you didn’t fuck him when he tried, girl, or you never woulda made it out of this movie alive.
G: See, I always let the ones I fuck live.
L: Life refuses to imitate art. Thank Christ. Do we seriously have to watch the remake next?
G: It’ll be fun.
L: Urgh.

Girlfriend is PISSED

Vampire Movie Night: Razor Blade Smile

30 Jul

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

PS: If anyone ever wondered how I feel about “snarky” reviews? Uh. Guess.

Razor Blade Smile (1998)
Director: Jake West
Writer: Jake West
Stars: Eileen Daly, Christopher Adamson and Jonathan Coote

This review contains spoilers. Thanks to Pat Worden for the rec!

Razor Blade Smile

Gianni: Okay. I would have sex with this movie.
Liam: How did I know you’d say that?
Gianni: Because you know how much I like to–
Liam: Rhetorical.
Gianni: In a few decades you’ll be impossible to embarrass. I have to make the most of it while I can.
Liam: Movie.
Gianni: You’re no fun.
Liam: [Ed – After a moment of deliberation.] That’s not what you said last night.
Gianni: There, was that so hard?
Liam: Okay, actually, this does serve as a good intro to this movie. Because while it’s cheesy as fuck, it also contains awesome vampire sex. So let’s roll.

Well, that made a mess.

Gianni: It is not cheesy. It is at times confusing, as I’m not really sure what was going on in the opening. But I suppose I got the gist.
Liam: Yeah, Lilith’s husband or someone was dueling Blake the evil vampire, and she got shot instead, and he made her a vampire?
Gianni: I don’t know, but it was a good choice on his part, clearly. Quality of vampire is very high in this film.
Liam: Sure. Aaaannnnyhow–


Gianni: Look at this fabulous fucker. She steals shit, she kills people, she gets paid.
Liam: Yeah, she’s like a vampire supervillain.
Gianni: I have to appreciate the way she manages to keep herself amused over the centuries rather than going emo and insane.
Liam: Yeah–though the human she gets her jobs from is a grade A toolshed. And he gets her into this conspiracy where the people with the weird eyeball rings are trying to kill her. Which we never really understand until the very end.
Gianni: No, she needs about an hour to fuck around and be amazing. Enjoy the ride.

Liiiiiiick. Bite.

Liam: I did enjoy the ride. Well, the ride she took with the annoying “I know everything about vampires” woman from the club, anyhow. Way less annoying in bed, as it turns out.
Gianni: It was a startlingly accurate portrayal of what happens when vampires fuck humans. This is why I only do it after eating someone else. Someone always knows you went home with them and then they turn up dead and it becomes a mess.
Liam: You should write a guidebook for new vampires.
Gianni: Yes, because you listened to me so well.
Liam: For new vampires you didn’t mindfuck and then kill yourself.
Gianni: Point taken.

Fucking fabulous.

Liam: The problem with this one is that it kind of ruins shit if you say too much about why the ending is so great.
Gianni: Well, we spoiled the other ones, but I agree. So I will say this: I hope that in another hundred years, Liam and I are having this much fun.
Liam: And being this fucking fabulous.
Gianni: And this fucking evil.
Liam: That’s kinda romantic, G.
Gianni: If you say so. Better learn how to fence, darling.

Silliest swordfight ever. Don’t care. Still awesome.

 That’s all for this edition of Vampire Movie Night. I’m glad they liked this one well enough, or I might’ve suffered for giving them two crap ones in a row. Cranky vamps are the worst. Thanks again, Pat!

Vampire Movie Night: The Bleeding

16 Jul

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

The Bleeding (2009)
Director: Charlie Picerni
Writer: Lance Lane
Stars: Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones and Armand Assante

This review contains spoilers. [Ed- Not that there’s anything to spoil, because for once, I agree with these guys.]

The Bleeding

GIANNI: What the fuck did we just watch?
LIAM: Oh god, I’m so sorry.
GIANNI: I am immortal. Well, I can be killed, but it’s not an easy thing. I have lived, well, for a long time–
LIAM: He turns 104 in December. Total cradle robber.
GIANNI: [Ed: he’s smirking.] My point is that I have spent a great deal of time on this planet, and I will spend even more. And yet, I’m still supremely annoyed that I just wasted nearly two hours of my life on that movie.

DMX in "The Bleeding"

DMX starring in: the only three minutes where you’re still holding out hope that this movie won’t suck.

LIAM: I only picked it because DMX was in it. I was thinking, “Oh, hey, DMX, so at least someone will be awesome.”
GIANNI: Yes, and didn’t that just work out for you?
LIAM: I kept telling myself he’d come back as a vampire. But nope. They really just did the horror movie thing and killed the black dude in the first five minutes of the movie. In 2009.
GIANNI: It’s so depressingly predictable.
LIAM: See, even the old guy notices. It’s that racist.
GIANNI: Fuck you. I should’ve made you turn it off the second the name “Kat von D” appeared in the opening credits.
LIAM: Okay, but to be fair, she always looks badass. And was one of the better actors.

Kat Von D in The Bleeding

This is as good as the acting gets. No, really.

GIANNI: Which should tell everyone just how fucking awful the acting was.
LIAM: Vinnie Jones is usually pretty entertaining too. And I’m pretty sure they were trying to be campy and Robert Rodriguez-y but just failed like a huge failing thing.
GIANNI: Oh, stop making excuses for this catastrophe. Let’s just get on with it. The vampires.
LIAM: What the fuck were they even doing? Was there a plot with them? Like, some dude was an Army Ranger and he got changed into a vampire in Afghanistan and… for some inane reason only his brother could take him out with some weird-ass blessed sword. And they were in a nightclub. And the party girl got killed because, you know, if you like sex, you have to die.
GIANNI: That does seem to hit the salient points. Oh, also, the vampires employed a giant butcher who hacked up women for them. Because apparently these vampires require hacked up women-parts for something-or-other.
LIAM: Yeah, I think the best part of the movie is when the so-called hero lands in the kill room in a pile of dismembered woman-bodies. And he says, “Well, that was great.” That guy, such a fucking comedian.

Random ugly butcher from "The Bleeding"

Hey man, thanks for dropping into my pile of chopped up women. Oh, just finishing up this one before I get to the ones hanging up over there. You know. As you do.

GIANNI: Hilarious. And what was going on with drunken priest Michael Madsen? He’s been waiting around for years with an arsenal of blessed weapons–
LIAM: Oooh, scary.
GIANNI: –with some random errand boy whose slavish attachment to him is never explained and frankly a bit creepy–
LIAM: And this is coming from the guy who stalked his college roommate. [Ed: here, Liam points to himself.]
GIANNI: –preparing for this totally unexplained slayer to come along and… end all vampires by killing his brother? Oh god, I feel like I’m getting stupider just talking about it. Is that possible?
LIAM: That was my favorite line: “I don’t know how my brother became this pure evil Cain. But if he is in fact evil, fuck him. He ain’t my brother no more.” [Ed: Liam’s laughing. It is kind of unpleasant.]

Michael Matthias in The Bleeding

You know what this movie needs to be perfect? A sixty-second touching montage of Michael Matthias running around in the rain as a metaphor for him running away from his destiny as his newly evil vampire brother’s slayer. Oh wait.

GIANNI: Darling, would you do me a favor? Please kill this movie with fire.
LIAM: Seriously though, I love the way DMX barks everything. He’d make a great vampire.
GIANNI: I wasn’t joking about the fire.
LIAM: It’s the least I can do.

And that’s all for today’s edition. Hopefully their next one won’t be so terrible or they might start to rebel, and I really hate unruly head-vampires. But until then, I’ll hold out hope.

images came from imdb and here.

Vampire Movie Night: Priest

12 Jul

Welcome to a not-so-newish segment where we allow Liam Corchoran and Gianni Fiorenza, the so-called heroes of my upcoming vampire series, The Family, to regale us with their unnecessary opinions on various and sundry vampire films. Got a rec for the boys? Hit em up!

Vampire Film Night #1:
Priest (2011)
Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Writers: Cory Goodman, Min-Woo Hyung (graphic novel series “Priest”)
Stars: Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet and Maggie Q

Thanks to Brian Fatah Steele for the rec! The following review contains spoilers.

Priest (2011)

Liam: I would have sex with this movie. And I have no biological sex drive, so that’s saying something. I might feel different if I’d read the graphic novels–which I will now. But seriously, it’s fucking perfect.
Gianni: I think we’re working with different definitions of the word “perfect”.
Liam: Here, let me read you mine. Perfect: A movie set in a futuristic-steampunky dystopia with wild west trains, a neon Catholic church, and mean-ass vampires. Fucking perfect.

Paul Bettany in "Priest"

This is his serious face. Not that he has another face over the course of the entire movie, but that’s all right. This is serious business.

Gianni: Hmm, no, we’re not using the same dictionary. I would eat the hell out of Paul Bettany, though. There’s something about him with the cross on his forehead that’s even more blasphemously hot…
Liam: Okay, so let’s start with him. Nameless priest hero gets the thumbs up. Definitely a great hunter-character, right?
Gianni: You do realize you’re a vampire?
Liam: Yes, asshole, just go with me.
Gianni: Then yes, certainly. And they did a good job with what should’ve been an absurd and obvious plot twist with his back story. Or maybe the rest of the movie was just so ridiculous it didn’t matter to me by the time we got there.
Liam: [Ed: he’s rolling his eyes.] Okay, but Karl Urban, aka Black Hat. Awesome bad guy. Evil and scary as shit. Also, dirty-hot.
Gianni: Yes, agreed on all points. And I like the idea that other than him, the vampires are extremely feral and inhuman. I think we need more of that propaganda spread around. It lulls the humans into a false sense of security if they think they can see us coming.

Karl Urban in "Priest"

Black Hat: also very serious about his serious vampire business. And owns a cool train.

Liam: True–plus, I always give bonus points for remorseless throat-tearing vampires.
Gianni: And they say I’m the vain one.
Liam: Har-dee-fuckin’-har.
Gianni: Maggie Q as nameless priestess–
Liam: Pretty sure she was just called a priest like the dudes.
Gianni: Right, then, nameless priest who happens to be a woman was also delicious.
Liam: She was, but I was kinda meh on the love story. I guess it explained why she wanted to help him, but I don’t know. It seemed kinda tacked on. Like, “Hey, she’s a woman, she has to be in love with the hero!”
Gianni: Either way, she was the only one I’d actually be afraid of.
Liam: Yeah?
Gianni: She killed multiple half-vampire-what-the-hell-ever creatures on motorcycles while she was wearing heeled boots. They weren’t horrifically impractical heels, but still. That’s a good day’s work.

Maggie Q in "Priest"

Kicking motorcycled ass; not bothering with names because fuck vampires, amiright?

Liam: Yeah, I couldn’t do it.
Gianni: I’ve done worse in more inconvenient footwear, but for a human, it’s impressive.
Liam: So, that’s a story I need to hear.
Gianni: It was the seventies. Moving on. My bonus points always go to the music, which was decent, with an appropriate use of Mozart’s Requiem. It’s not a futuristic Catholic dystopia without some Dies Irae.
Liam: Yeah, this movie reminds me of Giuseppe a lot.
Gianni: Me too, now you mention it. Parting thoughts?
Liam: They obviously told everyone just to do an American accent so they all sounded like they were from the same place. But I want to know why Stephen Moyer thinks all Americans sound like they’re from Louisiana. Not that there’s anything wrong with that–
Gianni: Yes. Yes, there is. I suppose the movie was entertaining, if ridiculous.
Liam: Sex. Me and this movie. It’s happening.
Gianni: You’re such a charmer.
Liam: Right?

Cam Gigandet in "Priest"

Oh, and then there was this guy, the Sheriff of Podunk-town. Called “Hicks”. And his kidnapped girlfriend. Whatever. Vampires.

Images from here, here, and here.

Aaaand that’s all for tonight’s Vampire Movie Night. Back in a few with some more. Because vampire movies are awesome–even the ones we don’t want to, uh, have sex with. (Not sure how that works. Liam’s not either, but he won’t admit to it, so there we go.)